As always, I am constantly on a quest to become closer to the Creator.Who this Creator is however, is something I haven’t quite figured out yet.
My youth was not one filled with religion, but like most Black folk, I automatically believed in God and his supposed son Jesus Christ.Occasionally someone would take me to Church or The Kingdom Hall, but I was by no stretch of the imagination a spiritual child, and it would be many years before I would attempt to grow closer to this God person.
Around my 21st. birthday I discovered the Black Israelites.I was truly a follower of theirs until I stepped back and really looked at the group of people I was surrounding myself with.Ultimately, it would be the way the men of this group conducted themselves with the women around them that would lead me to believe these were not true men of God and thus I should not be dealing with them.
The Israelites turned me off from religion for many years, and it wouldn’t be until my fiance decided he no longer wanted to be my fiance that I would once again attempt to spiritually grow as a person.
Back in 1996-97 my fiance and Father of my children decided he didn’t want the life he had and that he wanted to be free and single again.Naturally, that didn’t fit into my plans and I attempted to discourage him.Needless to say, my whining did not work and he was back in da club trying to be 18 again.So I decided to turn to the only thing I was told I had left… My Heavenly Father.
I remember throwing myself totally into the Bible and darn near becoming a Saint.I was trying to do everything the Bible told me God wanted me to do and all I asked of him was that he keep my family together.After all, The Bible does say that if I do what “He” says, then he will grant me a few wishes… sorta like a Genie now that I think about it… lol.
Anyway, after a few years of following The Bible and having nothing to show for it, I gave up.My family did not stay together and I was pissed at this God person.I felt used and betrayed and my Bible was promptly thrown into the back of the closet.It was also at that moment that I realized that if I was gonna have or get anything in life, it would be because of me and not some invisible entity.
This was my mindset for a number of years and only just recently have I once again decided to try and grow spiritually.Now for me spiritually doesn’t mean worshipping some God figure, but rather trying to get back to how man originally dealt with whomever it was that created us all.
Something tells me that The Bible and all religious books were written by men obsessed with being worshipped.Sometimes I look at how The Bible is written and I wonder if the Creator really had anything to do with it at all.Did He or She really intend for us to worship them in the way that we do? Did the Creator want to be worshipped at all? What really is up with all this worshipping stuff?
Why must we bow down and kiss the big toe of all these religious figures we have been taught to believe in? Whether it be Jesus or Allah, we are expected to do a great deal of ass kissing that may or may not pay off one day.This seemed rational to me as a child, but as an adult I have come to question the sense of it all.
At this moment, I have no answers, but what I do believe deep down in my soul, is that the Creator has given us all that we need to heal and help ourselves.I believe each one of us have powers we have in no way tapped into, and worshipping these God figures keeps us from tapping into them.As long as we are convinced that our fate lay in the hands of others, we will never look internally to our God given strengths.Worshipping does nothing more than give away the power our Creator intended for us to use to help ourselves.
So for me, at this point in my life, I am looking inward.I am letting go of the safety blanket that is religion and where this will take me… I don’t know.As I said in the beginning, I am on a quest.Whether I am on the right path or not remains to be seen, but it is a path that I must go down in order to find out.
Wish me luck 
29 Responses to “Why Do I Have To Worship You?”
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March 14th, 2006 at 8:55 am
well, let me first say this… i, in no way, am trying to convince you other wise or deter you from your way of thinking or feeling.
i was raised baptist. if you brought any story in the bible, i could probably tell you about it. but i’ve always wondered about the whole thing as well. now, i’m not the most religious of people. i decided against being a holy-roller after seeing how my grandmother was, but some of my beliefs do lie in the Bible, even though I might not agree with everything it says. Hell, I know I’ve called on the name of Jesus and cussed somebody out in the same sentence.
But you’re right. Its a path you need to go down. I’m on that path myself right now. So if you ever want to cross paths and question this journey we’re on, I’m up for it if you are.
March 14th, 2006 at 9:14 pm
Where exactly are you at in your spiritual growth Thawtz?
March 15th, 2006 at 11:45 pm
I would have to say I’m comfortable in my skin at the moment. It’s hard for me to ignore what I was taught given that a few of my own personal experiences don’t really leave me much room to doubt the existence of God. Yet, I feel more at ease believing that I control more of my life myself than leaving it up in the air.
I’m studying the Bible more in depth now. It is said that “It was written by man, but inspired by God.” I think if there is really some truth to this, I don’t think God would hide the answers from us in a book he inspired. So I started from the beginning and I’m working my way through… slowly. If this doesn’t work out for me…I guess its off to next book to see what it says.
March 17th, 2006 at 1:30 pm
This is my first time to this site. I am truly impressed by the honesty that I’m reading. I have searched for a web site such as this. Shawna I truly feel that I was led to your blog. I have questioned my belief in God. One day I said to God, ” You and and only you show me the way to You. I don’t want books, or any man’s belief about you, but You show me the way to you.” And I have to admit that it has taken years and these years are still coming for me to learn and accept the true God. This is still my quest but there are times that I have to sit back and say tomyself that He is with me all ways.
Last week I almost lost my son and nephew in a car accident. I have two children. My youngest had decided not to go to a big game in Charotte, NC. with his brother and cousin, he said something at the last minute told him not to go.
My oldest and my sister’s only child did go.My oldest son fell asleep behind the wheel while driving my nephew home. They were only ten miles from my nephew’s house. When my son woke up he was driving towards another car and as he turn away from the car his car flipped over went 8ft into the air, hit two trees, came down turned over a few times, sled along the gravel, before turning upside on the shoulder of the road. My son was pinned in behind the wheel and my nephew’s nose was fractured. Through the grace of God, both of them came out of the accident eventhough my nephew will need surgery because his nose was broken instead of fractured. When I saw the pictures of the car, I knew then that God was there, I was able to see His work. The car was demolished. If my baby had gone, who ever had sat in the back seat would NOT had walked away like the other two. Durning the time of the accident I was home asleep. My son’s uncle had stayed the night at my house. That morning he called my name. I heard him but could not wake up. Then I heard him say to me , ” Girl, this coffee is good.” He knew that I would of woke up, but I could not. I was in trance, felt it and knew it, and did not fight against it. An half hour later my sister called me and it was then that I woke up. She told of the accident but did not have the details. My heart raced as I called out to God. Peace overcame me. As I awaited the news I looked at my children’s uncle and told him that I heard him but could not answered him and I smelt the coffee. Then I said to him when the accident report comes in I bet that it was the time of the accident when he tried to wake me up. Needless to say, after a few days I had to email the accident report to my sister who lives in Winston-Salem, NC and I in Wilmington, NC. When I looked at the time of the accident, it was 6:25 a.m., it was 6:35 am when he tried to wake me up with the coffee. The next day I did all that I could to make it early to Winston to pick up my son, but things just did not go right because Iwanted to see the car for myself, but in my mind something kept saying to me it was not meant for me to see it. So I kept telling them to take pictures and when I did see the pictures, I saw God’s presence. I felt God’s presence, There was no doubt in my heart and soul that God showed me how powerful He is.
I to walk in a quest in God. I’ve asked Him to show me, And as years have pasted he has and is still showing me the way to Him.
I give you no sermon Shawna, I don’t question your belief, I only walk in the travel of seeking the true God. To me God is within me, around me, and is me. I don’t mean to give a sad story as to how I see God. It’s that this just happened last week and I feel the need to share how I saw God’s work last week. How He kept me sane in something that would had feaked me out. I asked him to come to me and show me . He has showed me happiness as well, but how often do we take the time to Recognize His work. Thank you for allowing me to enter your world. I pray for your luck as I ask you to pray for me in my search. I am fifty and the search has been on going, and still I pray. I did not find Him in Church or the Kingdom Hall, I’m working on myself to understand who I am. I’m seeking the God within me to help me use the power of growth with Him. And to place in around me those who are in Him and to keep all those who wish harm to keep them away from me. and to give me stregnth to overcome and to love…yes even to love,
March 25th, 2006 at 10:57 am
I loved reading this posting. It is beautiful that you are so able to be open and honest in your approach to your own spirituality. Let me tell you what (finally) did it for me as far as finding God:
I knew God as a child, but as a teen/adult I lost my way. I ho’d around for several years until I finally reached the end of my rope. All my looking for a father figure/loving man had been in vain and I just felt empty inside. Cold, lost - and empty.
So (as we usually do in these situations), I turned back to God. I started going to church just to ‘check it out’. I refused to commit to anything - at first.
Until I finally met the Father. In days of my deepest pain (failed relationships, abuse, loneliness, sexual escapades), He found me. It’s a total cliche - but it’s a cliche because it’s true. During my darkest and loneliest nights, He became all that I needed - a Father, a friend, a Comforter, heck, even sometimes a Mother!
God will find you right where you are. I promise you.
Thank you Shawna for being so willing to share. You make it easier for the rest of us….
B.T.W. - I fight and question and wrestle with God and biblical interpretation almost every day. It’s okay - He still loves me
March 26th, 2006 at 1:01 am
Thank you Sonya and Glenice for your comments.
Everyday I wonder why we all are here.What really is the meaning of life.It seems as if we come here to suffer, maybe have spurts of joy and then just die.
All around me lately I have witnessed death and the lives of those I know changing and often for the worst.
I wonder why? I wonder why my Mom In Law (I think of her as that even though her son and I never married) is suffering in her last days, even though she reached out and helped many in her lifetime.She was a good woman and yet I think most of her life was lived in pain.Abusive marriages, bad men… married men.I don’t even think she knew love her entire life.I wonder if I will end up that way too.
I look at my own life… and think I am a pretty good person.I basically love ppl but that hasn’t stopped me from being the victim of some pretty sick ppl in this world.
I have experienced my share of hell and sometimes I ask myself why? Why did I deserve to have hell while some evil people have heaven?
I really need answers.
I need to know where God is? Who is he or she? Why aren’t they intervening in the madness that is going on around us?
What is he/she waiting for?
I don’t want cliches or metaphors… I need real answers.
I have been looking for God for a long time, but he or she seems to be hiding from me and those who need him or her the most.
March 26th, 2006 at 2:52 am
Wooo… I sound angry in the last post don’t I… LOL?
March 26th, 2006 at 8:26 am
No, you don’t sound angry… if anything it seems as if you are asking the same things in life that I keep asking myself about myself. I’ve been hurt and because of the pain I’ve endured I do not want to hurt others, not intentionally anyway. Sometimes, I wonder why I can’t get back what I honestly put out and I tell myself that it’s enough…no more. Then I think about my mother who past and I re-live the times I had with her in my mind because she was a beautiful woman, a God fearing woman, and most of all a loving woman. So I pray for peace for her (your mom n law) and you. I’ve found answers to some of my question in the silence part of my heart.
A cousin of mine just past and I don’t think that I want to be at his going away Monday. Am I wrong?
The phone has just rung and a friend of mine is on the line. I’ve read the post to him (he had lost his mother 2 mos after I did). You have opened his heart. So I’m closing because he is telling me what he would like to say to you. I know you are asking for no cliche’s or metaphor’s…still my heart is saying, God is good.
March 26th, 2006 at 12:38 pm
Hey Shawna:
I read your last post and you sound just like most of us - frustrated, tired and looking for ‘real’ answers. Let me share with you my understanding of why bad things happen and why God doesn’t intervene.
In the bible (contrary to most of what you hear), we are promised trouble. Jesus said we would have tribulation in this life. So - there it was (for me) in black and white. We will have trouble. Not because you are a Christian, but it can almost be read to say, especially if you are a Christian. But the promise that God made us was that we would be able to do all things by His strength. So, though we will have trouble, He will never leave us alone in our struggle. He has promised never to forsake us and that His Spirit would also be there to comfort us. So, we will never escape trouble, but we will always have God to help us through it.
And why do some people who are evil experience good times while you, while trying to be good, experience bad? Because, if you believe in God, you also have to believe that is a counter-force - an evil that works in opposition to Him. According to the bible, this evil is seeking to destroy those who do good every single day. And this evil is present in every aspect of the world as we know it. Why do some evil people prosper? One of the reasons is that this evil will not attack his own - he attacks only those who are trying to do good. But the bible also tells us not to worry ourselves about those who do evil - their time is coming! Instead, focus on doing good and that, in the end, as well as during this lifetime, you will be rewarded.
What I’ve learned is that I might not always have the money I want in my pocket, my relationships with friends and family may not always be what I’d like them to be, and negative situations can and will always permeate my life, but that God’s strength, His comfort, and His unfailing love and devotion to me always sees me through.
And, finally, why doesn’t God intervene in the madness that is around us? I don’t have a complete answer to this one, but I’m sure of a few things. God does intervene, in a hundred small and big ways. He answers prayers. He heals the sick. He blesses those that are poor. The mystery (to all of us) is why He doesn’t always intervene. Why some people die and some people get well. Why some people prosper and some people fall by the wayside. My pastor always reminds me though that we are all going to die one day - it’s just a matter of when. And, even when someone is healed they will still eventually - die. Also, I am sure that God has gifted us all with free will, and a lot of the evil that is present is a result of people being free to do their own thing. So we cause a lof of it. But, beyond that, I just don’t know.
Thank you again for being so honest in your own thoughts and journey. You’ve inspired me to be more open on my own blog, which I have now begun to do.
BTW - Wasn’t your blog a different color when I visited it yesterday?
April 10th, 2006 at 1:33 am
i woke up from a deep sound sleep with tears running down my cheek and wondering why pain is at my side? As I look around the tv is the only sound of the movie Crash blending in the background and the sound of my internal scream, screaming loudly as pain overtake my mind.
I sit up silently so that I won’t wake my husband who is sleeping so peacefully as I wonder, if he can hear me. Can you hear me? Is God listening to me as I long for my mother to be beside me, to hold me and rock me like a babe so softly.
And then the things that I tried to ignore comes crashing to greet me and the pain of reject and the pain of trying to hold on and maintain to not let hurt stand in the way moves so quickly that it’s rocking my world of self-pity that I’m beginning to sink.
I cry out to God to help me or am I just thinking of it because I’m afraid for Him to come claim it…the things that are bottled up inside of me as I move back and forth holding on to my sanity. I’m afraid to ask what is wrong, Lord why is this pain so strong that I’m up writing this early in the morn? I begin to wonder what is going on are my children safe and free from harm? Do I feel the cry of someone dear?…or is it a cry of someone who wants another soul to care? I want to pray but I can’t seem to find a way, instead I’m trying to sort out the things in my head but I just don’t know where to begin.
All I feel is that God will show me the way and I’m thinking to myself, boy this is strange!
Finally I can pray and ask God whatever it is that I feel…
Please Let Peace Be Still…..In Jesus Name, Amen.
April 17th, 2006 at 8:58 am
Beautiful piece Shawna,
I am sure many will come to tell you about the God they believe in and how he is right for you and have all th answers you are looking for, mainly because he (their God) has answered all of their questions. However, sista you appear to be on the right path and to live upright and righteous is what we all should strive for. Beyond that everything else will be acts of worship wrapped in traditions and in some cases ignorance.
April 17th, 2006 at 9:04 am
I do wish you luck. I’m on much the same journey, and it’s both frustrating and exhilerating.
April 17th, 2006 at 2:24 pm
I think its brilliant that you all want to find your way through life through spirituality. I would never impose on your lives, so I’ll just tell you what happened to mine.
I left the church(holiness) when I was 13. I am thirty today, and I can honestly say, I feel closer to my creator now, than I did when I was a christian. It only happened for me becasue I opened up so many different books to study. David said of his life and srirituality, “he knows of the god of his fathers, becasue he studied the books of learned men so dilligently.”
Those that I had the pleasure to sit and read and learn from are Dr. ben-jochannan, Dr. John Henrick Clarke, Dr. John G. Jackson, Dr. Malichi Z. York, The Metu Netcher vols. I and II. And so much more. The bible, before it became so condenced, held more than 1,300 books. Today there are less than 100.
None of the above authors profess to be a god head, but I promise you, if you study the histories of man on earth, you could by pass all religions, see man for who we are, understand how great we could become, and except our short comings, what ever they are. We can find truths if we look beyond what is and was so readily fed to us as children. And I am more than sure that all of you have expeieced the one eternal truth that finding yourself and living life does not happen like a sit-com. There is no resolution every thirty minutes. Life takes long hours of study and meditation and paying close attention to everything that weathers us.
If leaves had mouths to speak, would they lament thier budding, growth, coloring, wiltering and death? If so, what would become of the tree, and its root?
One Love
Miles
April 17th, 2006 at 5:30 pm
SUGGESTED READING…very informative and easy to read…Holy Lockdown (Does the church limit Black Progress?) by Jeremiah Camara
April 17th, 2006 at 7:47 pm
I needed this post today for several reasons. I, too, consider myself to be a fairly decent and fair person. I relocated and joined a church in my new home area and promptly began serving in that church. I was so inspired by the Word going forth that I took the pastor at his word on every sermon and tried to do exactly what was taught (or preached) from day to day. Those little snacks of Scripture were not enough though and I continued to hunger to know God more. That’s where my problems (or solutions, as it were) all began.
I resolved on New Year’s Day 2005 to read through the entire Bible in a year. Suffice it to say, that was quite an experience. God unlocked unto my mind so many wonders and revelations about His power. Through my study, I have come to view the Bible as a Great Metaphor for the lives that we should strive to live. I began to see just how narrow God was being presented to me in church. I grew weary of the five or six “Scriptures on Demand” that I noticed preachers using for any situation (all out of context, I might add). You know the ones, about being more than a conqueror, about being the head not the tail, et cetera. When I read through the Bible, I began to see Scriptures that were equally as poetic, contextual, and more revelatory of the true, awesome power of God in fairly mundane situations.
But not until I “studied to show myself approved” did I realize that man has no ability to grasp or even conceptualize the omnipotence of God. In fact, since reading the Word cover to cover, I really became discouraged by how some preachers really pigeon hole God, only to offer the same warmed over “nuggets” of encouragement, i.e. said “scriptures on demand,” to the downtrodden when there exists a goldmine of support dispersed throughout the Bible.
I believe in God; I worship God as best I know how; I believe that Jesus was God on Earth who came down to reconcile us (his creation-gone-bad) back to Himself and to take a huge one for His holy team. Think about, who would want to worship or depend on a God who gave a people everything their hearts desired and they still rebelled. Besides, isn’t that what any good Father would do? But this realization came about as I sought a better relationship with Him. Not a better relationship with the usher board…or the dance ministry…or the choir. But with HIM! So I strive to be lead by Him each day through the Word and just plain ole’ spiritual intuition.
It is so hard to live a life that is scripted by the verses in the Bible. But it is so good to know that as long as a playbook exists, it is made choice whether I will memorize the plays or not. And isn’t the Coach proud when we know his plays and can perform when he calls on us (regardless of when He calls?)
April 17th, 2006 at 11:15 pm
Getting back to your original question, “why do we have to worship you (the creator)”, I sincerely appreciate the thoughts you shared with us. First I think spirituality and religion are different in more ways then most of us know. From my vantage point spirituality is the personal relationship you have with the “sprit” of GOD, Creator, Allah, Jehovah or and the laws of nature. In that relationship there is no intermediary of sort i.e. priest, pastor, minister, pope, husband, teacher etc…
Essentially your spiritual worship is not outwardly expressed in a church, temple, and mosque… As radical as this must sound to some, worship yourself; and what I mean by that is to understand the spirit that’s in you and how it’s connected directly to GOD and nature. God has already given all of us the tool kit for life, either to conquer our problems, understand problems or to simply appreciate our struggles. I try to pray/connect with the spirit of GOD inside me for understanding. I think we forget that blessings are mysterious gifts and what may seem like a struggle can truly be a blessing in disguise. Conversely, just because it makes us smile or makes us happy don’t mean it’s a blessing. At the end of the day being able to pray is a blessing in it of itself, the gift of self-correction.
As fair-minded people we often can’t make since of this world because the ledger is always uneven. It’s not just our job but it’s our journey to keep it even.
Good luck on your journey!
April 18th, 2006 at 5:14 pm
Let’s look at it from another perspective. I have three children, I love each one of them very much. When I come home from work, they compete for my attention and my approval, publicly and privately. Imagine if we could all see GOD and talk to HIM. Nations go to war, and people fight over oil in its abundance…just imaging what people would do if they had the LORD’s physical address considering what you know of the hearts of men and women. Scholars, nor pastors know the validity of every word of the bible. Its ok to ask questions. Personally, I have faced death and called HIS name. He has helped me when I was unable to help my self. Now, I am a healthcare provider, I have witness miracles when all the doctors give up hope. I’m not sure about religion, but GOD lives!
April 18th, 2006 at 6:35 pm
Many people have e-mailed me inquiring if I am an Atheist, and to save my life I have no idea why they would even ask that question based on this post.
To answer the question anyway… the answer is no.I am not an Atheist.
I believe in a higher power, my problem is that I have no idea who that higher power is or how to get in contact with them.
As I stated above I have sought out this higher power many times only to be rebuffed.
I know someone here will surely say “But Shawna you are alive and healthy”.To that I will simply state that just living and getting by isn’t enough for me anymore.I specifically need what I ask for.
A Muslim woman told me to ask for what I want… be specific she said.I am always specific and my requests are always simple.Keep my family together, give me strength and a decent job wouldn’t hurt… I’m serious.I don’t pray for foolishness or wealth and I always pray for those worse off than myself.
The other night I again attempted to read the Bible but just couldn’t get into it.I felt like I had been here and done that.What will one more read do for me?
The Bible leaves me cold.It is like a cat and mouse game or hide and seek.The God of the Bible seems to be playing with us.Hiding from us and yet telling us to find him, all the while throwing up smoke screens.
I no longer think the Bible is the way for me.I am still searching….
April 18th, 2006 at 6:39 pm
What you say here is interesting Dan and very close to where my thoughts are focused these days.
April 18th, 2006 at 11:32 pm
“At this moment, I have no answers, but what I do believe deep down in my soul, is that the Creator has given us all that we need to heal and help ourselves.I believe each one of us have powers we have in no way tapped into, and worshipping these…”
Amen Sister, Amen
That statement is DEEP & Powerful
April 19th, 2006 at 3:40 pm
I woke up this morining and waited for the call that I haven’t listened to in four -n-half years. I felt alone. I waited for a voice to say, “Today is my baby girl’s day.” Then it became allright! I thought of the many times that my mother had called and said those words to me and I felt her embrace on this day, (really everyday).
I am alive. That is good. I feel blessed to have had her in my life and that God allowed her to be my mother.
Her belief in God was so consisted. But I too think that God is in me and around me. There were so many times that I didn’t listen to the voice in side of me. But as I begin to see life in a different point of view, I’m able to reflect on the internal part of me. I’m doing my best not to struggle against my inner thoughts and see what life is for it’s self instead of me trying to make it for myself.
So here I am writing my thoughts to people who don’t know me and it’s good. My heart is heavy because on this day of my birth, my son’s girlfriend is getting rid of their unborn child…my grandchild. It’s just ironic to me-I don’t know if that is really a good word-that life is born and life is taken away. I wonder what would of happen if I had decided to get rid of one of children because life is a struggle to rise children. What would of happened? I mean this day that mom gave birth is the day that an extention of me will lose life.
So I’m trying not to struggle with my inner thoughts but I have to share it with someone. Especially on this day.
April 22nd, 2006 at 7:43 pm
I am right where you are — and am now experiencing many of the same feelings you are in regards to religion and spirituality. I will definitely be interested and visiting your site frequently to see where your journey takes you.
April 23rd, 2006 at 11:54 am
I have been experiencing what you are talking about for years. I have always felt like I had a personal relationship with God. I can remember being as young as 3 or 4 yrs old and crying out in pray for God to help me. My parents always took us to church as children but I never felt connected to any of the churches. I would join a choir or youth group but was never really inspired by the church.
Then when I went off to college, I would go an occassional Sunday but the night before I was with a guy or out party. It did not seem to balance. What was so important about this routine of going to church? I still felt like I had a relationship with God but I would continue to do things to hurt myself or others and then pray forgiveness and repeat the routine again.
Then I made a decision to not have a child. I was scared and terrified of failing my parents and being a mother. My ex and I were not on the best of terms. That day sent me into an internal hell. I spent nights and days pleading to God for forgiveness and making no sense of what I had done. My ex and I got back together and I decided to lean on him for support through my pain. After our years of struggle in our relationship, I wanted to be his wife and have his children. So I got pregnant again. This time I was excited and ready to be a mother. But my ex was not. He pleaded with me to not have the child. It made no sense to me, that this man that had begging to marry me did not want me to have his child. He claimed it was timing. After some teary conversations, I told him to do whatever he wanted. So he arranged for the killing of our child again. That was it.
I was devastated. I lost myself. I ended the relationship and starting carrying the baggage of shame, defect, hurt and pain. I was a scorned woman walking. But what hurt the most was my broken promise to God. Was he mad at me I thought? Why had it happened again? Was it b/c I had decided to have it the first time? Was that my punishment?
I believe we go through things for a reason. I realized I had to suffer this pain for God to allow me to see other things. I have since work with other women that have had abortions. And even though I still have the pain of my decision, I experience some relief in helping someone else. It is a personal ministry for me. One that is not in a church or religious organization. To me everyone has their path designed for a purpose. Sometimes we are walking in our purpose and do not know it. I am not lost anymore. I walk in the pain and pray to God for the pain.
To me the best lessons are what we see happening in other people. I understand reading the Bible or Quran for the guidance. But why are we not understanding each other? Isn’t God in all of us? We read about historical people for answers when our answers are right here.
I have not pick up the Bible in a while, but I agree with you Shawna , “The Bible leaves me cold” Some look for God in the Bible, when God is right here in us. I am tired of trying to understand scriptures. I look for the blueprint that God is displaying right here. I have been blessed to meet beautiful, open people that share their experiences and I see God in them.
Thank you for sharing your true thoughts. Your ministry was what I needed today and help me in my journey of “worshipping myself”.
April 25th, 2006 at 2:45 pm
Shawna and others:
I love that your blog has become a repository for so many people seeking spiritual enlightenment. I applaud you for being open with your own struggle, which has allowed other people to be open about theirs. As you already know, you’ve inspired me as well.
One thing I find disturbing though is that people are putting distance between the spirit within themselves and the Spirit of God. And here is the question I pose to everyone: If you believe that there is a Divine Source, Who is it that gave you the spirit within so that you can ‘worship yourself’? It’s like having a job, getting a paycheck and never acknowledging where the money comes from.
There is a God and He has created us. Yes, God resides within us, but it pays little to acknowledge the divine within while passing by the Divine Without.
Just my opinion.
April 26th, 2006 at 8:38 am
I think to recognize God one must look within their own self in order to recognize God and His work. For many years I had believed that I did not need anyone or anything to make it in this world where there are so many conflicts going on. Yet when I observe what is around me and see the beauty that man could not possibly have created, or have feeling within me that man cannot explain, or realize that I have learned to reach out instead of turning away, to seek knowledge instead of ignore, and most of all to say that I love you when I don’t even know you because in order to love him I must love openly and freely to others there has to be a divine power.
But how can I see Him if I don’t know who I am? How often does someone come to their true self? This takes time and what I mean by time is the trails and tribulations we have endured in order to say I understand. When one starts to say, if it’s Your will, instead of I’m going to make this happen. I can see a part of me leading to Him instead of the misguided person I use to be. And in Shawna’s blog “Why Should I Worship Him, is something that I’ve asked my self so many times and I can be honest with myself as I start to see the light because as I write I have to come to express the true person within me and I pray for God to continue to shed light in the direction I should go.
April 26th, 2006 at 8:41 am
Oops, sorry I made a mistake……..Why Should I Worship You.
April 26th, 2006 at 12:20 pm
Sonya Wrote:
“Who is it that gave you the spirit within so that you can ‘worship yourself’? It’s like having a job, getting a paycheck and never acknowledging where the money comes from.”
Acknowledging a higher power (GOD) and worshiping him are two very distinct things. First to merely acknowledge GOD is a matter of consciousness or a pronouncement of one’s spiritual identity. How and to what degree you worship, praise or ceremony-alize the act is what we are all pondering and discussing. Perhaps you would agree that the greatest gift from GOD is the precious soul we all have, which ironically is also the least understood. So let’s start there.
In that spiritual energy source called a soul we find our strongest connection to the creator. If you run past the spirit of GOD inside of you how can you expect to find him in a church or a book? Moreover God is omnipresent which means inside and outside, so before you throw that paganism dart keep this in mind. When we say worship yourself, we truly mean find GOD inside of you first and then nurture that relationship without any external preconditions. I understand some people feel like they need a minister, preacher, a bible, and a cross among other things to facilitate their worship. My spiritual journey starts with loving myself from the deepest corners of my soul. God is in there!
April 27th, 2006 at 10:33 am
Dan, “My spiritual journey starts with loving myself from the deepest corners of my soul. God is in there! ”
As I continue to explore this blog, I’m learning to express what it is that I feel and think inside of me. To be able to express one’s thought is a challenge for me-a rewarding challenge because I’ve come to terms with myself that I don’t have to hide.
I don’t have to hide from others , most of all my self, that I truly believe in God. Now understanding him is a different matter. And this is what my quest is. The more that I learn about the true me is bringing me to Him and understanding him because I’m finding that I’m coming into understanding me more. There is a higher power and when I listen deeply to the voice, the mind, and heart. I’m able to stand on a higher ground.
This higher ground is a sound person from whom I used to be. Example: When my second grandchild was aborted on my birthday, I had to dig deep within my soul and explore the pain that I had felt. Please understand that what a person does is what they do. But that still does not stop me from feeling or thinking about the effect that it has on me. I’ve longed for grandchildren and the wait was long for me. God sent me one. A beautiful grandchild. Then here it was again only to be taken away by decision. What I had to come to terms with is that it was their choice, her body, and his sperm. And that it was not meant to be on the day of my birth, it just happened that way. So I had really had to explore the pain and leave it to a higher power (God) so that I would not put my anger towards someone else for what they believed for them to be the right thing for them.
So Dan’s statement hit home to me because this is what I’m coming to terms with.
To be able to go within the soul loving myself from the deepest corners in order to find God to help me understand that life goes on and not to hurt another because I’m hurting is truly closer to him. Next month will be twenty two years that I lost a child, not by choice. And I finally come to realize that these are not meant to hurt me on purpose, but to make me stronger to put my trust and faith in Him by putting trust and faith in who I am in me.–On a quest to the divine power in order to understand who I am. Life is always changing, but the love of God remains and on this trip of quest, I’m learning that love remains no matter how it hurts because I’m learning to let go and let God.
April 27th, 2006 at 10:22 pm
Dan said:
“In that spiritual energy source called a soul we find our strongest connection to the creator. If you run past the spirit of GOD inside of you how can you expect to find him in a church or a book? Moreover God is omnipresent which means inside and outside, so before you throw that paganism dart keep this in mind. When we say worship yourself, we truly mean find GOD inside of you first and then nurture that relationship without any external preconditions. I understand some people feel like they need a minister, preacher, a bible, and a cross among other things to facilitate their worship. My spiritual journey starts with loving myself from the deepest corners of my soul. God is in there! ”
I agree with you, Dan, when you say that God is inside of you and outside of you. I take issue, however, with the ‘without any external preconditions’ part. Here is my view: you say that you know and love God, right? And that you can connect to Him internally without there being any conditions on how that love and knowledge is expressed externally. My question to you is this: Have you ever been in any relationship anyone that required that you do nothing? No, seriously - not just in the spirit of the debate - are you in a relationship with anyone who doesn’t expect a single thing from you? If you have a wife, I’m sure she has expectations of how you will treat her (if you love her). If you have friends, I’m sure they expect a phone call every now and then and to meet you for lunch or dinner occasionally. And I’m sure your parents/family members expect to catch up with you from time to time, to see how you are and to update you on family doings.
Why then, is our relationship with God so different?
If we truly love Him, like we all do, wouldn’t we want to do those things that are pleasing to Him as well? Yes - salvation is free - but don’t you want to be more than just ’saved’? Wouldn’t you like a vibrant, brilliant relationship with the One who has created you? And, yes, He does love you as you get to know him ‘internally’, but wouldn’t it be so much more meaningful to seek out what He likes and do those things as well? And, according to the Bible, God likes us to fellowship with other believers, treat other people right, honor our mothers and our fathers and serve others. To make an effort to hear the word of God, through preaching and through studying the Bible. So much of the Christian walk is based on our witness and service to other people, as well as diligent study and enrichment through God’s word - so, ultimately, it cannot be solely an inernal journey. Does this make sense to you? If not, please tell me and we will continue our discussion.
I don’t feel like you ‘need’ a Bible or a minister or any other object or person to connect to God, but I certainly feel like those people and things enhance you knowledge of Him (especially in light of the fact that God asks us to study the Bible and to listen to ministers). And, really, how can you judge then accuracy of your spiritual beliefs if you are not testing them against conventional wisdom and others who are journeying along this spiritual path as well?
Respectfully
Sonya